My Life

Hi, my name is Aubrey and I have Fibromyalgia. At least that's what the doctors think. You can't really test for fibromyalgia, you just have to rule out everything else. Which they've done, with a ton of blood work, an MRI, chiropractors, neurologists, and rheumatologists.

What is fibromyalgia? Good question. Basically it seems to be something with the nervous system misfiring.  You pretty much feel like you have the flu. All the time. I've been experiencing it for a few years now although we haven't figured it out until rather recently. This means I had it while pregnant with Jacob - and let me tell you, it was a painful pregnancy.

I try to fight it. To just work through the pain and fatigue, because motherhood never takes a break. Because my house won't clean itself. Because I hate feeling like this so I try to live in denial.

But then I have days like today where I wake-up in pain. Everything hurts. The fabric against my skin hurts. I know what is causing this particular flare-up, we've had illness in our family for the past three weeks. Stomach virus twice and now head colds which have turned into conjunctivitis, double ear infections and a sinus infection. So I'm exhausted. Staying up with sick kids and wiping gunk out of eyes and administering medication and cleaning up vomit and waking up with a kid coughing in your face...

Sorry, I had to vent a bit. Back to the main topic of this post. When a flare-up happens I barely function and that just frustrates me. My plans are ruined for the day and my kids start to beg for attention. Which just makes me feel awful.

I don't post this to ask for sympathy. I don't want pity or offers for help. I'm just trying to explain the bags under my eyes. The reason why I might agree to something and then back-out at the last minute. Or why I might say no to begin with. It also explains a bit of my orneriness, because when you're already hurting and then you've had three kids hanging on you all day and that causes more pain you don't have a lot of patience for others.

It also explains my lack of posting. Because the computer chair hurts me on my really bad days. Okay, so I have that off my chest now. I promise that the next few posts will be happier in nature because I have a lot to talk about, mainly how absolutely adorable and crazy my three beautiful children are to me. And pictures, lots of pictures of baby Jacob who might look back at this one day and say "where are all the pictures of me?" Until then, here's a picture to hold you over.

And a random fact: Did you know you are not supposed to double-space between sentences? Apparently this is an ancient practice from the days of type-writers that was taught to generations as young as me on regular keyboards. That would explain why Microsoft Word is always correcting my spacing.

You are Beautiful

My beautiful baby girl turned 4.  Four! Can you believe it?  I look at her and at four years old she is already drop-dead gorgeous.  Curly blonde hair, bright blue eyes, perfect skin and if she keeps her growth rate up she is going to be tall. And I wonder what am I going to do with her?  How am I going to handle her as she gets older and gets into boys and stuff?  Because it will happen, eventually.

It seems these days opinions are rather polarized. I should either restrict her from Disney Princesses, dress her as a hobo and pound into her head that beauty is NOT what you should be judged upon or I can make beauty and fashion EVERYTHING and enter her into pageants and what-not.  Whatever happened to simple balance?

Here's my problem: Every time I tell Lillian how beautiful she is I feel like I have to follow it up with how smart she is and explain to her that there is more to her than meets the eye. And she's only four, people!  But I worry that I am sending her the wrong message when I comment how pretty she looks in her new dress. 

So, I've been thinking and have finally come to a conclusion. I am going to tell Lillian that she is beautiful.  I want her to grow with a healthy self-image and in this day and age when girls are encouraged to look sexy at five, I want her to know that she can be beautiful without being slutty.

I want her to know it's possible to be beautiful and modest at the same time.  I want her to know, that when the time comes, there's nothing wrong with wearing make-up, doing your hair and taking care in your appearance.  I want her to be confident in who she is - ALL of who she is, the physical, mental and spiritual. 

She will be judged in her life.  School will judge her intellect and she will have grades and tests to prove that.  She will be judged at church and have opportunities to strengthen her testimony through callings and Young Women's and Girl's Camp.  But who am I going to let judge her beauty?  Am I going to let the world tell her how to look?  Or am I going to teach her how to judge herself in a healthy and respectful fashion?

Lillian runs around in pink and skirts and wild hair that she never let's me brush.  She does her nails and digs in the dirt with her brother.  She watches Disney, reads Fancy Nancy and loves ballet.  And I let her, I encourage her, because I want her to just be herself.

I love you my Lilly-bug.  And you will always my beautiful baby girl.

And then it was Christmas

Christmas went as usual.  It was Jacob's first Christmas and like every other baby's first Christmas he was satisfied with the wrapping paper and bows. 

Lillian and Samuel hit the jackpot for Christmas between the two families and Santa. 

I feel like pictures didn't really turn out very well.  We weren't great at taking any and then I just managed to look 9 months pregnant in every single one.  So, because I'm feeling a bit vain today, no pictures except for the ice storm we had the weekend before Christmas.

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my Grandparents (while my family took off to Red River, NM). Then Christmas dinner with the in-laws.  We watched light displays, went to our favorite places, decorated sugar cookies, opened pajamas, read our favorite Christmas stories, and watched our favorite movies. 

Overall it was a pretty simple and relaxing Christmas season. 

Shenanigans and such

A lot has happened since my last post.  Mainly mischief by my two oldest.  Honestly.

There's been coloring on the walls (just as I thought we had moved out of that stage).  Coloring the piano keys purple, fortunately with a washable marker.  Coloring my counter-tops, unfortunately with a wood stain marker.

And painting with hand sanitizer.  Let's not forget that.  

Then they ran away from me while walking home from the park.  I finally had to hide behind the neighbor's car and wait to ambush them.

Then they broke out of the back yard and decided they wanted to turn on the sprinkler with the hose in the front yard.  (We have been enjoying weather in the 60's lately).  When they couldn't figure out how to attach the sprinkler they took the hose and pulled it across the street, each kid standing on opposite sides of the street and shouting through the hose using it as a telephone line.  And when they were told to get in the house they obeyed... but then locked me out.  Fortunately, KeLei was visiting and was inside the house.

(And this is when I think of my dear friend Whitney and how often she gets the cops called on her kids and how I've NEVER even had a concerned neighbor show up on my doorstep which kind of concerns me...).  

Oh and ballet lessons for Miss Lillian.  I filmed her Cookie Dance, but it didn't turn out blog worthy.  First there is shakey-cam, which is my fault and then not focusing, which is the camera's fault.  I should have just stuck with my iPad.

Also, there was Samuel's music program in which he refused to stand up there and sing, instead slowly inched his way to where we were sitting watching him.  So we just have video of all of his classmates singing.

Besides the two older ones keeping me on my toes, we've also done a min-renovation to our kitchen.  Which I will show before and after pictures once we get through the holidays and I get my kitchen clean and cute looking.

I started a job.  A part-time job in the evenings when Carlin is home.  It gets me out of the house and now I have a little spending money.  Which I want to spend at my job, HomeGoods, to spruce up my house.  Sigh.
 
There have also been ice/snow storms, KeLei visiting before heading off to college, a ward boundary change, birthdays and just everyday life.

And during all of this is my youngest smiling his way through life.  Learning how to crawl.  Growing and growing.  Getting excited when you walk into the room and always willing to cuddle. 

Halloween Version 2013

Thanks to a consignment sale I scored costumes that I didn't have to do anything with except add some yellow tape to Samuel's.  And let me tell you, with the way this year has gone and how scatter-brained I have become I needed simple costumes this year.

So, we were invaded by a pumpkin...

And he's the cutest pumpkin I ever did see!

I love this picture because both Daddy and Jacob have the EXACT same smiles.  He truly is Carlin's mini-me.

And then a Princess and a Fireman joined by their friends Tinker Bell and Elmo.

Lillian, impressively, hiked all over the neighborhood in those plastic high heels (they didn't even have a strap on the heel).  She came home with blisters on her feet, but that didn't matter because she was a princess.  I swear she is going to be one of those girls who doesn't even think twice about wearing high heels to school.

A cute couple in our ward who also live in our neighborhood hands out hot dogs to the neighborhood kids (as well as candy) so our little brood took a break for hot dogs, chips and root beer.  Yum.

We also have another couple in our ward who live down the street from us (I know, we have two families who live close to us - it's awesome!) and every year she makes little goody bags for the kids.  This year was candy, coloring books, little toys and socks.

Something new this year was the Halloween Fairy.  We told the kids to eat all the candy they wanted because the Halloween Fairy was visiting our house and taking all the candy and leaving a present behind in its place.  They got books, a Dinosaur Angry Birds book for Samuel and a Doc McStuffins book for Lilly. 

Fall Happenings

Thanks to the planning of others I've managed to fit in some fun activities this October.  First was a trunk-or-treat at my BIL's ward.  The kids thought it was so silly trick-or-treating from people's cars.  I did not take any pictures, partly because we forgot our camera and partly because I want to save costume pics for Halloween.  :)

Jacob chilling with the wipes.  Good times.

Saturday we went to Pumpkinville at the Myriad Gardens and met up with some friends we haven't seen in forever!  The children's area was all decorated with candy corns and spider eggs and owls.  We painted pumpkins, played bean bag toss, enjoyed the company of friends and took some awesome group pics.

Carlin was chasing Nate and Brandie's son while Nate was holding Jacob...

I obviously had my hands full and Carlin was holding Lillian so Nate still has Jacob in this pic too. 

Tuesday I dropped Lilly and Jacob off for a play date while I chaperoned Samuel's school field trip.  There were more than enough parents so it was just me and Samuel enjoying the beautiful day together and getting some much needed one-on-one time. 

A hay tunnel - Samuel kept jumping out and scaring me!

In the corn maze with school friends Ryan and Ira.

Playing in the tires.  Also a good look at the slide and the petting zoo.

Tonight we decorate pumpkins and tomorrow it's Halloween.  Holy guacamole, where has the time gone?! 

Adjusting

Adjusting to three kids - fairly easy.  Way easier than two.  At least for me.

Adjusting to post-baby body after three kids?  Not so easy.  In fact, it's rather depressing.

Remembering that I now have three kids and one is a baby...  seems to be rather difficult.  Which is why I thought doing house projects and starting a part-time job was a good idea.

And to put the cherry on top?  Carlin is in Milwaukee this week.  He is once again traveling in his supposed to be non-traveling job.  And what have I realized? 

That I'm STILL adjusting to the new dynamic of our family.  That I do have to accept the things I cannot change.  That 5 months isn't nearly enough time to be back to normal - so why did I think it would happen faster? 

But mostly, I have realized how much I miss my husband.  I just want him home. Next to me. 

"When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
And the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
When all I need's a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him, I’ll find him next to me"
-Next to Me, Emeli Sande