Rough Times

You know how you go through periods in your life where the road is just a bit bumpy? It’s not any one thing in particular, in fact sometimes the road is smooth sailing, but overall, when everything adds up the ride was just a bit rough. That’s where we’ve been in our family.

The past few years have been bumpy. There are the obvious – young kids means lots of stops along the way. And we’ve had lots of unexpected detours. Therapies, dentists, doctors, surgeries, potty training, messes, worrying, more potty training, laundry, IEP meetings, teachers, enrollment, ballet, gymnastics, and more.

Friends keep moving. We live in a college town so we expect the annual turnover, but it’s getting harder every year to say good-bye to one more set of friends. I’ve had to say good-bye to Laura, Dawn, Sharon, Marie, Jenny (twice), Rebekah, Brandielle, Kathleen, Rachelle, Hilary, Stephanee, Corene, Stacy, Jenny (a different one), Joellen, Sarah, Karen, Marijke, Bonnie, Candace, Julia, Lisa, Nina, Candice, Teresa, Cindy, Erica and I’m sure there are a few I’m missing. Not to mention their husbands and children.

There have been tears and laughter and stress. A lot of stress. There have been beautiful moments and moments I wish I could go back to college where my only worries were grades and paychecks.  I type this in a cold house because the heat exchange in our furnace cracked and we’ve been without heat for the past three days. If that doesn’t sound too bad just realize we were this close to being the family on the news that never woke-up due to carbon monoxide poisoning.  For once I was grateful for a leaky, inefficient home and following a prompting that we needed to get our heater serviced. In March.

So, now we have to dish out more money to replace the furnace. Money – it just keeps slipping through our fingers like sand. Why does it cost so much to live? I wrap this up while watching freezing rain bounce off the sidewalks and stuck in the house with children home from school because of a “snow” day. The morning has been full of screaming, tantrums, poop, art projects and finding Jacob covered in my brand new $12 foundation.

The future is bright though… and warmer. Much warmer. I hope to have pictures soon but first I need to find our camera charger.

Public Bathrooms

Nobody really likes public bathrooms, right? Right. However, being a mother of young children I really despise public bathrooms for so many, many reasons.

I swear to you now, my kids do the most disgusting, horrifying, embarrassing things you can think of in a public bathroom. From unrolling toilet paper as fast as their little hands and feet will carry them to wandering out of the bathroom with their pants around their ankles because they need you to wipe them (no matter that they insisted they could do it themselves and didn't need you in there in the first place).

I thought I had about seen it all until I braved the bathroom at Target with Jacob. Jacob, the one who has figured out how to unlock the stall doors, and instead of crawling on the disgusting germ-clad floor like a normal child, insists he goes out the normal way.

So, there we were - me trying to use the bathroom as fast as possible while keeping the door closed and Jacob trying to get out. In a split second he managed to open the door and wedge himself between the stall and the door while I try to desperately close it. Except I can't because I literally have a child in the way, who starts yelling at the top of his lungs because he's stuck. As if I needed any more attention than I currently had.

I pushed him out. I was desperate and there were people in the bathroom. So, I just shoved him out of the stall completely, closed the door and finished my business.

But honestly, I don't have much shame left. Three pregnancies and three rather active children do that to you. However, I really, really look forward to the time when I can use the bathroom by myself.

A Letter to My Lillian

Dear Lilly,

I want you to know something very, very important. I love you. I love you with my whole heart and soul. I love everything about you and there will come a time in your future where you might not believe me. But I do, oh how I do. I love your laugh - your beautiful, from-the-belly, genuine laugh. I love the way you love your brothers. I mean, really, truly love them. You always have time for Jacob and you have a loyalty to Samuel that God himself couldn't break - that is if He even wanted to...

Of course, it is easy to love the sweet part of you. The part that wants me to read books to you and make up songs for me. That part is always easy to love, but I want you to know that what makes you so special, what makes me feel like a piece of my heart is walking around in this huge world, is the not-so-sweet part.

Elsa came to your birthday party!

Oh my Lillian, you have a fierce, independent spirit. You scream and hit and kick. There are many days when we find ourselves in a battle of wills - one stubborn temper pitted against another. And you're only five. I can only imagine what the future holds for us. That is why I want you to know how very much I love you. ALL of YOU. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

You have wanted a play date with Elsa since.

You love, laugh and dance with your whole heart. You also fight, argue and pout with you whole heart. It's what makes you, you. I will take the hitting, screaming Lilly every day if it means I get to have the hugging, kissing, sweet Lilly, even for a little bit. You are beautiful my sweet child and while this letter may not make much sense to you for a while, there will come a day when you will read this and understand what I am fumbling to say.

That I love you only the way a Mother can.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful five year old - I am excited to see what this year holds for you.

Love you always.
Mommy

Don't judge - I kept closing my eyes!

With Cadence, Elsa, Emily, Lilly and Sally

Dear Future Self,

I am quite excited to become a Grandma. Yes I know it's about 20 years in the future, but still I'm excited. However, there are some things I want to remember about having young children for the future. Things that have been said to me over the past 6.5 years that have made me realize it's quite easy to forget this very brief period in time with young kids. So, future self, to answer your questions:

Yes, you did gain that much weight with each pregnancy. Actually, you probably gained more - on average you gained 50 pounds with each pregnancy. Your third child has been the hardest to lose the weight. Something about getting older. Or compulsively eating chocolate, you decide.

Yes, your house was a disaster zone. Toys multiply and replenish the earth. Potty training makes your house smell, quite frankly, like a Port-a-potty and even though you swore it would never happen, yes you have found dirty underwear in the kitchen. It was gross. The fact is kids come messy - they pee and poop and blow their noses and wipe their hands on your clothes. You have to teach them to be clean and it is a long and arduous process. Most of the time you would rather take the kids to the park than clean the playroom. Again. You would rather read than do the dishes. It's give and take.

Yes, your kids were that active. They just get into everything. And even though Jacob is your last and you've grown used to it by now, it doesn't mean he's any better. Heck no, that kid is constantly moving, climbing and pulling things out of cabinets. He is such a mover that on the exact same day he had hernia surgery he climbed the shelves in your closet (and to clarify this was after we got home from the hospital).

Holy cow your kids are loud! Pretty sure if there were a Guinness World Record of loudness from three kids your kids would win, hands down. It's constant noise. Noise and movement.

Yes, embarrassing things happen in public. All. The. Time. You get dirty stares from strangers who are quite convinced they could do a better job parenting your children than you do. You have abandoned an entire cart-full of groceries IN the check-out line because you just couldn't do it anymore.

You let your kids dress themselves and Lillian, especially, often looks homeless. It's not worth the battle and you allow your kids this freedom of expression. No, you do not brush Lilly's hair everyday or clip fingernails regularly. You are also awful at bath time. Being a Mom is just so exhausting sometimes.

You give your kids candy, have reasoned in your mind (on occasion) that oatmeal cookies make a balanced breakfast and really do let your kids have chocolate chips, pretzels and marshmallows as an after school treat. Don't be fooled into thinking you gave your kids healthy, balanced meals every single day.

Just remember that looking back on the past you will remember all the good times and wonderful events that happened. You might forget how busy you were running kids to appointments and ballet and gymnastics. You might forget how hard it was to be a Mom and how much you beat yourself up about all things you are lacking. Remember that there were days you were very sensitive to comments from others and someone telling you it was all going to be okay was all you needed.

The Christmas Tree

When it comes to material objects, I am not the sentimental type; a fact Carlin knows all too well. If we wanted to wax philosophical as to the reasons why we could say it was because of the way I was raised. My parents never really kept much of what we made as children. It could also be a result of the time our trailer was stolen during a move which had all of our earthly possessions in it, one of my earliest memories. Whatever the reason, the fact remains I am not sentimental. So when our Christmas tree decided to die this year, Carlin was a bit befuddled by my rather emotional reaction.

We inherited the Christmas tree from my parents a few years ago. This was the tree we had during my teenage years and is probably about 15 years old. It's a tree my Dad meticulously wrapped every single branch with lights, Temple Square-style. (If you've never been to Salt Lake City Temple Square during Christmas time then Google it and then put that image into your living room. Yah...). The tree had so many lights we didn't bother taking them off year-to-year, instead we put the tree away lights and all. It's the tree that I've spent the past five years swearing under my breath as I wrestled with the lights, trying to figure out which strand was burned out then trying to find the single light that needed to be replaced. Every year we have proclaimed it's time for a new tree and every year we've found reasons not to buy one.

Until this year. This year, when plugged in, half of the lights wouldn't turn on. That alone might not have swayed me but then branches started falling off the tree. It was time for me to admit the tree needed to be retired and that's when the emotions came to the surface. Carlin tried to remind me that this was in no way symbolic of my Christmas memories, that I would always have them to treasure and hold. However, he doesn't realize how much Christmas means to me.

As I sat there for over an hour, unraveling all twenty strands of lights from the tree, I also unraveled my years of Christmas memories. Christmas has always been more than just another holiday for me. It's meant way more than presents and food. It's been my constant, dependable event in my life. We moved a lot as a kid and I never had a lot. But Christmas... ah, Christmas was a time for magic. It was a time for miracles.

There was the year we moved the day after Christmas and my parents opted not to get a tree. My brother and I were so disappointed that my Dad made a tree out of paper and taped it to our wall. We made paper ornaments to go along with it and it was as good as the real thing, if not better.

One year we had no money, but that didn't stop my Dad from providing a tree. "Aubrey," he said, "we are going for a walk." On our walk we collected fallen, dead tree branches. When we got home my Dad tied them together, put them in our tree base and strung them with lights. My brother, sister and I picked out the lightest ornaments we had to hang on the tree. Everyone who came to our home that year thought it was so awesome.

Then there was the year my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My Dad stayed with Mom at the hospital through the night while I stayed home with my siblings. Even though my parents weren't there I made sure to turn on the Christmas lights. Christmas was spent with my Mom recovering from surgery and a year of radiation looming over our heads - but for one day we gathered around the tree and let our worries fall away. That year our friends came out in droves bringing us perhaps one of the best Christmas dinners we've ever had.

Christmas has been a time for family. It's the time we watch Christmas movies, make cookies, sing along to carols, and spend all day playing games. It's silly for me to be so emotional over a tree - I mean, even my own parents have moved on and now have a miniature forest of Christmas trees in their house. But that Christmas tree did represent something for me. No matter what happened in our lives or the economic hardships we went through, Christmas was always there and it was always special. There were lights and decorations and music and always, always the tree.

With One Haircut...

My baby became a toddler!

Seriously, this kid is running full-steam ahead and trying his best to keep up with his older siblings. He gets into EVERYTHING. Colors on floors, doors, walls - pretty much anything he can reach.

His favorite places are wherever Mommy is and so we have a daily routine of reorganizing my cabinets in the bathroom as I get ready. Unfortunately, the kids are in school now and so I have no one to play with him during this time. I didn't realize how much Lilly helped me out until she went to school!

He's not saying much - but has a few words he's working on like "apple" and "bird." However, his favorite words are "uh-oh" and "wow." Actually, I should take that back - he is saying a LOT, you just can't understand but a few words.

So, as he readily moves on to toddler stage I have to accept that my baby is growing up. At least I still have sleep-time where he looks a little younger and more vulnerable.

How are you doing?

I'm doing great - thanks for asking. Actually, it's been a bit hectic around here.

There's the normal stuff. Baby Jacob is quickly turning into a full-fledged toddler complete with eating trash and throwing tantrums.

It seems to take my kids 20 minutes to eat breakfast in the mornings not to mention getting dressed and putting on shoes. As if our morning routine isn't tight enough we have to throw in the complimentary refusal to go to school. This can happen at any point with either child. Sometimes we make it out the door just fine only to decide in the middle of the unloading zone that they don't want to get out of the car and go to school after all. I literally drag the kicking, flailing child out of the car while horns are honking and the Crosswalk Guard is giving me dirty looks.

We had a dentist appointment this week for Samuel and he was quite convinced this meant he did not need to bring his lunch with him. So, after a two-hour appointment and a 20 minute trip back to the school I then realize he never grabbed his lunch. This adds another 20 minutes to my travel time as I run to the house and back to the school.

The tooth fairy came that night and left Samuel a whole 1 dollar bill. I thought that was pretty impressive (even if other kids get $5 for a tooth). After a long night of kids getting up and me putting them back to bed, I finally get up and moving only to discover that Samuel did not want the dollar bill. Nope, instead he tears it up into tiny pieces and throws it in the trash.

He also lost his glasses that day (which I eventually found in the playroom).

Lilly pooped her pants.

And Samuel missed the bus home today.

Just a normal week in our crazy household...