Samuel was diagnosed with Autism about a year and a half ago. Since then we've had many comments and advice - but the main comment we get is "he doesn't look autistic." He is very high functioning but that doesn't mean he's not Autistic. I thought I would give you a sneak peek "behind the scenes" so to speak.
What You See: He makes great eye contact and communicates really well.
What You Don't See: 5.5 years of speech therapy. At the beginning we were receiving services 3-4 times per week, it included two 1-hour speech therapy sessions plus a special preschool twice a week for 2.5 hours. It included a listening technique in which he had to look at our faces to show us he was listening. We would say things like "look at my eyes" or "look at my lips" so we knew he was listening and it would also help him focus on our words. We practice conversation skills at dinner time in which he has to ask other members of the family how their day went. We still receive speech services working on things like expressive speech and idioms. We listen for sounds and language. I never knew there was a difference between speech and language until we began this journey so many years ago.
What You See: He is able to self-regulate rather well
What You Don't See: Once again the years of occupational therapy. The brushing, pressure points, weighted compression vests, rubber pieces attached to the end of pencils for him to chew on, suckers and noise-canceling headphones.
What You See: Me leaving a play date early, our family not attending an activity or our quick exit for no apparent reason.
What You Don't See: The signs of an approaching meltdown. What seems like an age-appropriate reaction to another child (a slight shove, taking a toy, etc) is actually the signs of losing control. Covering his ears, hyper-activity, or curling up into a ball might all seem slightly cute and endearing but for me it means it's coming. The screaming, hitting, body-checking meltdown. Sometimes we've had a very trying day/week and we know if we attend activity A it will push him to his limits and it's just not worth it.
What You See: A kid who is potty trained.
What You Don't See: The YEARS, literally, it took to potty train him. The fact that he wasn't fully potty-trained until he was almost 5. The fact that he still has enough accidents I send an extra change of clothes to school with him every day. How I have to continually remind him to use the bathroom and how the first thing I find when I go somewhere new is the public restroom. How I still won't go to parks or other areas that do not have easy access to a bathroom.
What You See: A child who is obedient, but whose mother seems to bribe him a lot.
What You Don't See: The logic of an autistic child - they need to know why to do something before they do it. They need a reason. We have a positive reinforcement system set up - when his behavior is good he earns a star. Usually around 5 stars he receives a small prize. Sometimes, he can earn bigger prizes like a new Lego set with 100 stars. We also have a red/green system. If he is on Red then he loses privileges, TV time, iPad time, toys, treats, whatever might entice him that day. You'll often hear me say "2nd warning." That means if I have to remind him again he goes on red and loses all privileges until he earns his way back to green. Not to mention the hours of behavioral therapy we attend.
What You See: He's rather successful in school.
What You Don't See: He's repeating the first grade, we moved to a school with an autism program set up to handle him better, and an IEP pages long (not to mention the countless hours in meetings). Academically he is doing great but socially he is behind even though he is doing much, much better this year.
What You See: A child who acts fine for you.
What You Don't See: The let-down that follows at home. Picking on siblings, controlling behavior, his alone-space. The resetting we have to do to get him back on a routine, get him back to normal.
What You See: A messy house, hair that needs to brushed, kids wearing clothes with holes in them.
What You Don't See: The countless hours I spend each week in therapies and routines. The exhaustion that comes with handling an autistic child plus two rather strong personalities. The battles you have to pick to fight because honestly, if his Tuesday shirt is long-sleeves in the middle of summer and it doesn't bother him, why should it bother me?
March 8, 2016
January 7, 2016
Then Life Happened...
Hello Dear Friends. It's been a long time. It's amazing how busy life gets with three little ones underfoot and making sudden life decisions. Where do I start? So much happened in 2015 that I have felt intimidated and overwhelmed to come back and write, but I need to write. I long to write.
I'll just start with an overview of the year. Consider it my Christmas newsletter. In March I turned the big 3-0. Carlin threw me a party complete with a rented frozen yogurt machine from Earth Fruits. It was pretty awesome. However, the really BIG part of my birthday came almost a month later when best friend Whitney and I headed to Cozumel for a week-long girl's trip. It was amazing. It was my first time out of the country, my first time snorkeling and my first time to get burned to a crisp, several times. But it was all worth it. We sat on the beach, snorkeled and I saw a seahorse, had ceviches and marquesitas, explored the ruins of Tulum and enjoyed some well-deserved girlfriend time. I came back relaxed and ready to tackle life again.
Which was a good thing because I hit the ground running. Jacob turned 2 on May 6 and to celebrate a tornado hit our house. It was mild damage and everyone was safe but we had to replace windows and the roof plus clean up fallen branches and debris all over. Our air conditioner also broke, turned out when the heater guys replaced our furnace they cracked the drainage pan for the air conditioner. They claimed it was old and about to go anyway and refused to fix it. So that was one more thing out of our budget. So, to recap for 2015 we had to replace: the furnace, air conditioner, roof and windows of our house. Needless to say we were strapped for cash by the time it was all done. Then our car decided to die - needed a new alternator, batttery, belt and something else.
All of this combined with a struggle to convince the elementary school that Samuel needed services specific to autism resulted in a rather hasty decision to sale our home. It had been something we had been playing around with as we were starting to outgrow our house and wanted a better location. By the end of May Carlin had had enough and we put it on the market. We immediately found a house we LOVED but couldn't buy it until we sold our house. Turns out, we knew the owners of the house and they agreed to give us the summer to sale our home. Three months and some Realtor drama later and we got an offer on our house, asking price. After a ton of delays and living out of suitcases for a week (with school in session) we finally made it into our new house.
While all of the packing and house showing went on we also celebrated Samuel's 7th birthday by taking him to Legoland in Dallas and catching up with some friends of ours who had moved earlier in the year. Samuel loved it. There was an anniversary, Carlin's birthday, a trip to the Salt Plains to dig for crystals and our annual Watermelon Festival trip. All in all it was a great summer.
Fall took off at a full sprint and we never slowed down. I attended one of the easiest IEP meetings I've ever had - they met all my requests plus made some additional suggestions. Samuel and Lilly love their new school. We moved into our new house at the end of September and have enjoyed the park, the duck pond and our mini-park in our back yard complete with a fire pit in which we've roasted hot dogs and marshmallows. For Halloween we had a Storm Trooper, Elsa and Curious George. We hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas for our families and I made my first ever turkey.
We also had some tragedy hit when we were present at the OSU Homecoming Parade when a woman decided to drive her car into the crowd of hundreds. 4 people were killed and almost 50 others injured. We had stepped off the street moments before it happened, however, my former boss and friend Bonnie Stone and her husband Marv were killed at the scene of the accident.
2015 was draining for us, emotionally, physically and financially. All of that was just the big stuff. We also had our day-to-day living to do. I'm Relief Society secretary, Carlin is chorister and Elder's quorum teacher. Jacob while not in the spotlight much is keeping up with his siblings and has done everything from dump an entire bottle of baby powder on himself to TPig my house and digging holes into our walls. Needless to say I'm a bit exhausted. And that's why I haven't visited my blog in so long. It's just been crazy. But I need this outlet once more, so if you're still out there reading this somewhere I promise, I'm back.
I'll just start with an overview of the year. Consider it my Christmas newsletter. In March I turned the big 3-0. Carlin threw me a party complete with a rented frozen yogurt machine from Earth Fruits. It was pretty awesome. However, the really BIG part of my birthday came almost a month later when best friend Whitney and I headed to Cozumel for a week-long girl's trip. It was amazing. It was my first time out of the country, my first time snorkeling and my first time to get burned to a crisp, several times. But it was all worth it. We sat on the beach, snorkeled and I saw a seahorse, had ceviches and marquesitas, explored the ruins of Tulum and enjoyed some well-deserved girlfriend time. I came back relaxed and ready to tackle life again.
Which was a good thing because I hit the ground running. Jacob turned 2 on May 6 and to celebrate a tornado hit our house. It was mild damage and everyone was safe but we had to replace windows and the roof plus clean up fallen branches and debris all over. Our air conditioner also broke, turned out when the heater guys replaced our furnace they cracked the drainage pan for the air conditioner. They claimed it was old and about to go anyway and refused to fix it. So that was one more thing out of our budget. So, to recap for 2015 we had to replace: the furnace, air conditioner, roof and windows of our house. Needless to say we were strapped for cash by the time it was all done. Then our car decided to die - needed a new alternator, batttery, belt and something else.
All of this combined with a struggle to convince the elementary school that Samuel needed services specific to autism resulted in a rather hasty decision to sale our home. It had been something we had been playing around with as we were starting to outgrow our house and wanted a better location. By the end of May Carlin had had enough and we put it on the market. We immediately found a house we LOVED but couldn't buy it until we sold our house. Turns out, we knew the owners of the house and they agreed to give us the summer to sale our home. Three months and some Realtor drama later and we got an offer on our house, asking price. After a ton of delays and living out of suitcases for a week (with school in session) we finally made it into our new house.
While all of the packing and house showing went on we also celebrated Samuel's 7th birthday by taking him to Legoland in Dallas and catching up with some friends of ours who had moved earlier in the year. Samuel loved it. There was an anniversary, Carlin's birthday, a trip to the Salt Plains to dig for crystals and our annual Watermelon Festival trip. All in all it was a great summer.
Fall took off at a full sprint and we never slowed down. I attended one of the easiest IEP meetings I've ever had - they met all my requests plus made some additional suggestions. Samuel and Lilly love their new school. We moved into our new house at the end of September and have enjoyed the park, the duck pond and our mini-park in our back yard complete with a fire pit in which we've roasted hot dogs and marshmallows. For Halloween we had a Storm Trooper, Elsa and Curious George. We hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas for our families and I made my first ever turkey.
We also had some tragedy hit when we were present at the OSU Homecoming Parade when a woman decided to drive her car into the crowd of hundreds. 4 people were killed and almost 50 others injured. We had stepped off the street moments before it happened, however, my former boss and friend Bonnie Stone and her husband Marv were killed at the scene of the accident.
2015 was draining for us, emotionally, physically and financially. All of that was just the big stuff. We also had our day-to-day living to do. I'm Relief Society secretary, Carlin is chorister and Elder's quorum teacher. Jacob while not in the spotlight much is keeping up with his siblings and has done everything from dump an entire bottle of baby powder on himself to TPig my house and digging holes into our walls. Needless to say I'm a bit exhausted. And that's why I haven't visited my blog in so long. It's just been crazy. But I need this outlet once more, so if you're still out there reading this somewhere I promise, I'm back.
March 4, 2015
Rough Times
You know how you go through periods in your life where the
road is just a bit bumpy? It’s not any one thing in particular, in fact
sometimes the road is smooth sailing, but overall, when everything adds up the
ride was just a bit rough. That’s where we’ve been in our family.
The past few years have been bumpy. There are the obvious –
young kids means lots of stops along the way. And we’ve had lots of unexpected
detours. Therapies, dentists, doctors, surgeries, potty training, messes,
worrying, more potty training, laundry, IEP meetings, teachers, enrollment,
ballet, gymnastics, and more.
Friends keep moving. We live in a college town so we expect
the annual turnover, but it’s getting harder every year to say good-bye to one
more set of friends. I’ve had to say good-bye to Laura, Dawn, Sharon, Marie,
Jenny (twice), Rebekah, Brandielle, Kathleen, Rachelle, Hilary, Stephanee,
Corene, Stacy, Jenny (a different one), Joellen, Sarah, Karen, Marijke, Bonnie,
Candace, Julia, Lisa, Nina, Candice, Teresa, Cindy, Erica and I’m sure there are
a few I’m missing. Not to mention their husbands and children.
There have been tears and laughter and stress. A lot of
stress. There have been beautiful moments and moments I wish I could go back to
college where my only worries were grades and paychecks. I type this in a cold house because the heat
exchange in our furnace cracked and we’ve been without heat for the past three
days. If that doesn’t sound too bad just realize we were this close to being
the family on the news that never woke-up due to carbon monoxide poisoning. For once I was grateful for a leaky,
inefficient home and following a prompting that we needed to get our heater
serviced. In March.
So, now we have to dish out more money to replace the
furnace. Money – it just keeps slipping through our fingers like sand. Why does
it cost so much to live? I wrap this up while watching freezing rain bounce off
the sidewalks and stuck in the house with children home from school because of
a “snow” day. The morning has been full of screaming, tantrums, poop, art
projects and finding Jacob covered in my brand new $12 foundation.
The future is bright though… and warmer. Much warmer. I hope
to have pictures soon but first I need to find our camera charger.
February 16, 2015
Public Bathrooms
Nobody really likes public bathrooms, right? Right. However, being a mother of young children I really despise public bathrooms for so many, many reasons.
I swear to you now, my kids do the most disgusting, horrifying, embarrassing things you can think of in a public bathroom. From unrolling toilet paper as fast as their little hands and feet will carry them to wandering out of the bathroom with their pants around their ankles because they need you to wipe them (no matter that they insisted they could do it themselves and didn't need you in there in the first place).
I thought I had about seen it all until I braved the bathroom at Target with Jacob. Jacob, the one who has figured out how to unlock the stall doors, and instead of crawling on the disgusting germ-clad floor like a normal child, insists he goes out the normal way.
So, there we were - me trying to use the bathroom as fast as possible while keeping the door closed and Jacob trying to get out. In a split second he managed to open the door and wedge himself between the stall and the door while I try to desperately close it. Except I can't because I literally have a child in the way, who starts yelling at the top of his lungs because he's stuck. As if I needed any more attention than I currently had.
I pushed him out. I was desperate and there were people in the bathroom. So, I just shoved him out of the stall completely, closed the door and finished my business.
But honestly, I don't have much shame left. Three pregnancies and three rather active children do that to you. However, I really, really look forward to the time when I can use the bathroom by myself.
I swear to you now, my kids do the most disgusting, horrifying, embarrassing things you can think of in a public bathroom. From unrolling toilet paper as fast as their little hands and feet will carry them to wandering out of the bathroom with their pants around their ankles because they need you to wipe them (no matter that they insisted they could do it themselves and didn't need you in there in the first place).
I thought I had about seen it all until I braved the bathroom at Target with Jacob. Jacob, the one who has figured out how to unlock the stall doors, and instead of crawling on the disgusting germ-clad floor like a normal child, insists he goes out the normal way.
So, there we were - me trying to use the bathroom as fast as possible while keeping the door closed and Jacob trying to get out. In a split second he managed to open the door and wedge himself between the stall and the door while I try to desperately close it. Except I can't because I literally have a child in the way, who starts yelling at the top of his lungs because he's stuck. As if I needed any more attention than I currently had.
I pushed him out. I was desperate and there were people in the bathroom. So, I just shoved him out of the stall completely, closed the door and finished my business.
But honestly, I don't have much shame left. Three pregnancies and three rather active children do that to you. However, I really, really look forward to the time when I can use the bathroom by myself.
January 29, 2015
A Letter to My Lillian
Dear Lilly,
I want you to know something very, very important. I love you. I love you with my whole heart and soul. I love everything about you and there will come a time in your future where you might not believe me. But I do, oh how I do. I love your laugh - your beautiful, from-the-belly, genuine laugh. I love the way you love your brothers. I mean, really, truly love them. You always have time for Jacob and you have a loyalty to Samuel that God himself couldn't break - that is if He even wanted to...
Of course, it is easy to love the sweet part of you. The part that wants me to read books to you and make up songs for me. That part is always easy to love, but I want you to know that what makes you so special, what makes me feel like a piece of my heart is walking around in this huge world, is the not-so-sweet part.
Oh my Lillian, you have a fierce, independent spirit. You scream and hit and kick. There are many days when we find ourselves in a battle of wills - one stubborn temper pitted against another. And you're only five. I can only imagine what the future holds for us. That is why I want you to know how very much I love you. ALL of YOU. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
You love, laugh and dance with your whole heart. You also fight, argue and pout with you whole heart. It's what makes you, you. I will take the hitting, screaming Lilly every day if it means I get to have the hugging, kissing, sweet Lilly, even for a little bit. You are beautiful my sweet child and while this letter may not make much sense to you for a while, there will come a day when you will read this and understand what I am fumbling to say.
That I love you only the way a Mother can.
Happy Birthday to my beautiful five year old - I am excited to see what this year holds for you.
Love you always.
Mommy
I want you to know something very, very important. I love you. I love you with my whole heart and soul. I love everything about you and there will come a time in your future where you might not believe me. But I do, oh how I do. I love your laugh - your beautiful, from-the-belly, genuine laugh. I love the way you love your brothers. I mean, really, truly love them. You always have time for Jacob and you have a loyalty to Samuel that God himself couldn't break - that is if He even wanted to...
Of course, it is easy to love the sweet part of you. The part that wants me to read books to you and make up songs for me. That part is always easy to love, but I want you to know that what makes you so special, what makes me feel like a piece of my heart is walking around in this huge world, is the not-so-sweet part.
 |
| Elsa came to your birthday party! |
 |
| You have wanted a play date with Elsa since. |
That I love you only the way a Mother can.
Happy Birthday to my beautiful five year old - I am excited to see what this year holds for you.
Love you always.
Mommy
 |
| Don't judge - I kept closing my eyes! |
 |
| With Cadence, Elsa, Emily, Lilly and Sally |
January 1, 2015
Dear Future Self,
I am quite excited to become a Grandma. Yes I know it's about 20 years in the future, but still I'm excited. However, there are some things I want to remember about having young children for the future. Things that have been said to me over the past 6.5 years that have made me realize it's quite easy to forget this very brief period in time with young kids. So, future self, to answer your questions:
Yes, you did gain that much weight with each pregnancy. Actually, you probably gained more - on average you gained 50 pounds with each pregnancy. Your third child has been the hardest to lose the weight. Something about getting older. Or compulsively eating chocolate, you decide.
Yes, your house was a disaster zone. Toys multiply and replenish the earth. Potty training makes your house smell, quite frankly, like a Port-a-potty and even though you swore it would never happen, yes you have found dirty underwear in the kitchen. It was gross. The fact is kids come messy - they pee and poop and blow their noses and wipe their hands on your clothes. You have to teach them to be clean and it is a long and arduous process. Most of the time you would rather take the kids to the park than clean the playroom. Again. You would rather read than do the dishes. It's give and take.
Yes, your kids were that active. They just get into everything. And even though Jacob is your last and you've grown used to it by now, it doesn't mean he's any better. Heck no, that kid is constantly moving, climbing and pulling things out of cabinets. He is such a mover that on the exact same day he had hernia surgery he climbed the shelves in your closet (and to clarify this was after we got home from the hospital).
Holy cow your kids are loud! Pretty sure if there were a Guinness World Record of loudness from three kids your kids would win, hands down. It's constant noise. Noise and movement.
Yes, embarrassing things happen in public. All. The. Time. You get dirty stares from strangers who are quite convinced they could do a better job parenting your children than you do. You have abandoned an entire cart-full of groceries IN the check-out line because you just couldn't do it anymore.
You let your kids dress themselves and Lillian, especially, often looks homeless. It's not worth the battle and you allow your kids this freedom of expression. No, you do not brush Lilly's hair everyday or clip fingernails regularly. You are also awful at bath time. Being a Mom is just so exhausting sometimes.
You give your kids candy, have reasoned in your mind (on occasion) that oatmeal cookies make a balanced breakfast and really do let your kids have chocolate chips, pretzels and marshmallows as an after school treat. Don't be fooled into thinking you gave your kids healthy, balanced meals every single day.
Just remember that looking back on the past you will remember all the good times and wonderful events that happened. You might forget how busy you were running kids to appointments and ballet and gymnastics. You might forget how hard it was to be a Mom and how much you beat yourself up about all things you are lacking. Remember that there were days you were very sensitive to comments from others and someone telling you it was all going to be okay was all you needed.
Yes, you did gain that much weight with each pregnancy. Actually, you probably gained more - on average you gained 50 pounds with each pregnancy. Your third child has been the hardest to lose the weight. Something about getting older. Or compulsively eating chocolate, you decide.
Yes, your house was a disaster zone. Toys multiply and replenish the earth. Potty training makes your house smell, quite frankly, like a Port-a-potty and even though you swore it would never happen, yes you have found dirty underwear in the kitchen. It was gross. The fact is kids come messy - they pee and poop and blow their noses and wipe their hands on your clothes. You have to teach them to be clean and it is a long and arduous process. Most of the time you would rather take the kids to the park than clean the playroom. Again. You would rather read than do the dishes. It's give and take.
Yes, your kids were that active. They just get into everything. And even though Jacob is your last and you've grown used to it by now, it doesn't mean he's any better. Heck no, that kid is constantly moving, climbing and pulling things out of cabinets. He is such a mover that on the exact same day he had hernia surgery he climbed the shelves in your closet (and to clarify this was after we got home from the hospital).
Holy cow your kids are loud! Pretty sure if there were a Guinness World Record of loudness from three kids your kids would win, hands down. It's constant noise. Noise and movement.
Yes, embarrassing things happen in public. All. The. Time. You get dirty stares from strangers who are quite convinced they could do a better job parenting your children than you do. You have abandoned an entire cart-full of groceries IN the check-out line because you just couldn't do it anymore.
You let your kids dress themselves and Lillian, especially, often looks homeless. It's not worth the battle and you allow your kids this freedom of expression. No, you do not brush Lilly's hair everyday or clip fingernails regularly. You are also awful at bath time. Being a Mom is just so exhausting sometimes.
You give your kids candy, have reasoned in your mind (on occasion) that oatmeal cookies make a balanced breakfast and really do let your kids have chocolate chips, pretzels and marshmallows as an after school treat. Don't be fooled into thinking you gave your kids healthy, balanced meals every single day.
Just remember that looking back on the past you will remember all the good times and wonderful events that happened. You might forget how busy you were running kids to appointments and ballet and gymnastics. You might forget how hard it was to be a Mom and how much you beat yourself up about all things you are lacking. Remember that there were days you were very sensitive to comments from others and someone telling you it was all going to be okay was all you needed.
November 30, 2014
The Christmas Tree
When it comes to material objects, I am not the sentimental type; a fact Carlin knows all too well. If we wanted to wax philosophical as to the reasons why we could say it was because of the way I was raised. My parents never really kept much of what we made as children. It could also be a result of the time our trailer was stolen during a move which had all of our earthly possessions in it, one of my earliest memories. Whatever the reason, the fact remains I am not sentimental. So when our Christmas tree decided to die this year, Carlin was a bit befuddled by my rather emotional reaction.
We inherited the Christmas tree from my parents a few years ago. This was the tree we had during my teenage years and is probably about 15 years old. It's a tree my Dad meticulously wrapped every single branch with lights, Temple Square-style. (If you've never been to Salt Lake City Temple Square during Christmas time then Google it and then put that image into your living room. Yah...). The tree had so many lights we didn't bother taking them off year-to-year, instead we put the tree away lights and all. It's the tree that I've spent the past five years swearing under my breath as I wrestled with the lights, trying to figure out which strand was burned out then trying to find the single light that needed to be replaced. Every year we have proclaimed it's time for a new tree and every year we've found reasons not to buy one.
Until this year. This year, when plugged in, half of the lights wouldn't turn on. That alone might not have swayed me but then branches started falling off the tree. It was time for me to admit the tree needed to be retired and that's when the emotions came to the surface. Carlin tried to remind me that this was in no way symbolic of my Christmas memories, that I would always have them to treasure and hold. However, he doesn't realize how much Christmas means to me.
As I sat there for over an hour, unraveling all twenty strands of lights from the tree, I also unraveled my years of Christmas memories. Christmas has always been more than just another holiday for me. It's meant way more than presents and food. It's been my constant, dependable event in my life. We moved a lot as a kid and I never had a lot. But Christmas... ah, Christmas was a time for magic. It was a time for miracles.
There was the year we moved the day after Christmas and my parents opted not to get a tree. My brother and I were so disappointed that my Dad made a tree out of paper and taped it to our wall. We made paper ornaments to go along with it and it was as good as the real thing, if not better.
One year we had no money, but that didn't stop my Dad from providing a tree. "Aubrey," he said, "we are going for a walk." On our walk we collected fallen, dead tree branches. When we got home my Dad tied them together, put them in our tree base and strung them with lights. My brother, sister and I picked out the lightest ornaments we had to hang on the tree. Everyone who came to our home that year thought it was so awesome.
Then there was the year my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My Dad stayed with Mom at the hospital through the night while I stayed home with my siblings. Even though my parents weren't there I made sure to turn on the Christmas lights. Christmas was spent with my Mom recovering from surgery and a year of radiation looming over our heads - but for one day we gathered around the tree and let our worries fall away. That year our friends came out in droves bringing us perhaps one of the best Christmas dinners we've ever had.
Christmas has been a time for family. It's the time we watch Christmas movies, make cookies, sing along to carols, and spend all day playing games. It's silly for me to be so emotional over a tree - I mean, even my own parents have moved on and now have a miniature forest of Christmas trees in their house. But that Christmas tree did represent something for me. No matter what happened in our lives or the economic hardships we went through, Christmas was always there and it was always special. There were lights and decorations and music and always, always the tree.
We inherited the Christmas tree from my parents a few years ago. This was the tree we had during my teenage years and is probably about 15 years old. It's a tree my Dad meticulously wrapped every single branch with lights, Temple Square-style. (If you've never been to Salt Lake City Temple Square during Christmas time then Google it and then put that image into your living room. Yah...). The tree had so many lights we didn't bother taking them off year-to-year, instead we put the tree away lights and all. It's the tree that I've spent the past five years swearing under my breath as I wrestled with the lights, trying to figure out which strand was burned out then trying to find the single light that needed to be replaced. Every year we have proclaimed it's time for a new tree and every year we've found reasons not to buy one.
Until this year. This year, when plugged in, half of the lights wouldn't turn on. That alone might not have swayed me but then branches started falling off the tree. It was time for me to admit the tree needed to be retired and that's when the emotions came to the surface. Carlin tried to remind me that this was in no way symbolic of my Christmas memories, that I would always have them to treasure and hold. However, he doesn't realize how much Christmas means to me.
As I sat there for over an hour, unraveling all twenty strands of lights from the tree, I also unraveled my years of Christmas memories. Christmas has always been more than just another holiday for me. It's meant way more than presents and food. It's been my constant, dependable event in my life. We moved a lot as a kid and I never had a lot. But Christmas... ah, Christmas was a time for magic. It was a time for miracles.
There was the year we moved the day after Christmas and my parents opted not to get a tree. My brother and I were so disappointed that my Dad made a tree out of paper and taped it to our wall. We made paper ornaments to go along with it and it was as good as the real thing, if not better.
One year we had no money, but that didn't stop my Dad from providing a tree. "Aubrey," he said, "we are going for a walk." On our walk we collected fallen, dead tree branches. When we got home my Dad tied them together, put them in our tree base and strung them with lights. My brother, sister and I picked out the lightest ornaments we had to hang on the tree. Everyone who came to our home that year thought it was so awesome.
Then there was the year my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My Dad stayed with Mom at the hospital through the night while I stayed home with my siblings. Even though my parents weren't there I made sure to turn on the Christmas lights. Christmas was spent with my Mom recovering from surgery and a year of radiation looming over our heads - but for one day we gathered around the tree and let our worries fall away. That year our friends came out in droves bringing us perhaps one of the best Christmas dinners we've ever had.
Christmas has been a time for family. It's the time we watch Christmas movies, make cookies, sing along to carols, and spend all day playing games. It's silly for me to be so emotional over a tree - I mean, even my own parents have moved on and now have a miniature forest of Christmas trees in their house. But that Christmas tree did represent something for me. No matter what happened in our lives or the economic hardships we went through, Christmas was always there and it was always special. There were lights and decorations and music and always, always the tree.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
