Dear Journal,

I learned a valuable lesson over the weekend. I don't know if it's my pregnancy hormones causing me to be sentimental or something much stronger, but I feel I should write down my lessons in humility, weakness, and gratitude.

You see, I learned that the Lord really does know what He's doing, and that He knows me better than I know myself. You may know how fiercely independent I am as a person. My level of independence often borders pride. I work hard to accomplish my goals. I supported myself through school and when I married I supported my husband through school. I take care of myself and others and hate to depend on others. It has taken me 24 years, 7 months, one marriage to a great man, 1.5 pregnancies, a beautiful son, and many humbling experiences to understand that I never have and never will be able to do it completely on my own.

If you fast-forward through my childhood years and start with my adult years (where the independence starts to become pride), then I would say my first lesson was marriage. It was the first step I had to take to trust in someone else - a person who could pretty much be considered a complete stranger to me. Marriage was soon followed by pregnancy and I had to lean a little more on my husband. Pregnancy was soon followed by a C-section and now I not only had to trust myself to my husband, but I had to trust the life of our newborn child to him.

However, independence still raged inside me. While I was willing and able to accept my husband in my life, an inner-battle raged inside me concerning our families. How much help did I accept from them? How involved did I let them be in our lives and the lives of their grandchildren? My independence screamed "move away! move far, far away!" I encouraged my husband to look at jobs across the country, but the Lord had a different plan and we ended up one short hour away from our nearest relations. Over the past ten months I've begun to see why. Because the Lord knew how much I was going to need our families and how much I would appreciate having them nearby.

Over the past weekend, Carlin and I were battling a violent and serious case of food-poisoning that left us too weak to care after our toddler and left me in a battle of dehydration. As Saturday morning approached and we were still sharing the use of the bathrooms (oh how lucky we were to have two bathrooms) we realized it was time to call in reinforcements. Plans were canceled, schedules changed, calls made, family was willing to drive 90 miles to come to our rescue. My MIL stayed by our sides until we proved to keep liquids down and it became apparent I would not need to make a trip to the hospital. Samuel was whisked away to loving grandparents so that Carlin and I could make a full recovery. Oh how grateful I was for the outpouring of love and service that flowed from our families.

Another fear was comforted. That was my fear of having another c-section with this baby. And I will have to have another c-section. I've been so scared and I realized it's mostly because I won't be able to do it on my own. I will need help. I laughed as I realized the Lord was saying "Duh Aubrey! I've known all along, I've kept your family close by, now grow up and lean on them." So let me say the words I probably don't say often enough (but will work harder to do so) Thank you and I love you.

And Mom and Dad, since you've been in my life since day one, I owe you a special thank you. Thank you for your constant love, patience and companionship as I tried to independently find my way through life. I've come to realize over the past few months that I never was alone.