Motherhood: A Confession

"Motherhood is my style" said Heather Ann Johnson.  She's a blogger and I like to read her thoughts and advice in motherhood and family life.  She recently gave a speech on motherhood which you can listen to at Family Volley.  She explains that becoming a mother was something she always wanted.

Which got me thinking, that's not the first time I've heard that.  It seems many of my friends just wanted to be a Mom and as I've watched them become Moms and do the Mom-thing they are so GOOD at it.  It seems to come easy to them and I envy them, because simply put, I didn't dream of becoming a Mom.  And it's hard.

Seriously hard.

There are days I would rather go through finals again than face being a Mom. 

Even as a child I never wanted to be a mother.  I wanted to be a teacher, an astronaut and for a small period an actress/performer of some sorts.  But mainly an astronaut.  I was going to be the first woman on the moon, the first person to Mars and then come back and write about it.  Which would then lead me to be a journalist for the National Geographic in which I would travel the world. 

And then things changed, the Lord had a different path for me.  Carlin came into my life and before I could blink we had three kids.  And I'm a stay-home Mom and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. 

Not because it's tedious, redundant, and never-ending.  And not because potty-training might kill me.  But because Motherhood is NOT my style.  And I want it to be, I really do. 

But it's like wearing a dress that's too tight and too small and you just feel self-conscious and are constantly pulling it down or up and it feels like you might suffocate in it. 

That's how motherhood is for me, sometimes it feels like I might suffocate.

Does it make me love my children any less?  No.  I love them.  But my love for them doesn't make it any easier.  And that's the hones truth.