Anxiety

I'm a little anxious today. Why? Because today we have a moderate risk for tornadoes. Yep, this seasoned Oklahoman who has been through 18 years of tornado seasons in the state that receives the most tornadoes in the world is finding herself all tied up in knots.

The past few years I have seen tornado after tornado and I SWEAR they are getting closer to me, to my house, to my family. Every year I am glued to the TV because not only do I worry about myself but about my family and my in-laws and my friends scattered all across this state. Mostly I handle it with a mix of excitement and nerves. There is nothing more awe-inspiring and humbling than the weather in Oklahoma.

But this year is different. This year I'm suffering from a little PTSD from last year. This year I have three kids to protect. This year I find myself close to tears and fighting the fear. The fear from last year. And while I've mentioned last year briefly I have never said what happened. Well, now I'm ready to because I need to talk, or write. Whichever.

Here's how it went. Jacob was two weeks old. To the day. Which means I was two weeks post-partum from a c-section. I was home alone because my SIL Heather had decided to go home and try to get a few things done that afternoon. I saw the storm pop-up on the radar and I called Carlin and asked him to pick-up Samuel from school and come home early. I was near tears so Carlin felt it was his duty to calm me down and reassure me everything would be okay. "You're right," I said. "I am just a little emotional is all." Everything will be fine.

But it wasn't and the sirens went off and Carlin had to get off the phone with me and take shelter and his workplace and Samuel's school went on lock-down. And I am watching the news as Mike Morgan from channel four says there is a confirmed tornado on the ground and it's headed straight for the plant my husband works at and it has gone from nothing to an F5 in minutes. I'm holding my baby and my three year old is running around the house naked and now Mike Morgan is saying the tornado is a mile wide and now both of my sisters-in-law are in the direct path as well as my husband.

I call Heather because she is from Idaho and this is her first tornado season and Mitchell is at work and I say "get out of your house Heather." "But where will I go?" She says. "South," I say. "To my house or just keep driving." And she says, "Mitchell said I will be fine and he'll let me know if I need to leave." Now the tornado is barreling into homes. The helicopter pilot's house is getting hit, the news anchors' homes are getting hit. The movie theater, schools, workplaces are being evacuated. And now my SIL Samantha is calling to ask if I'm okay and I'm confused because yes, I'm fine but is she at work? That's when I hear yelling in the background and she says they have to get in the safe.

And that's it. That's the last I hear from my husband and my two sisters-in-law. The tornado is taking out cell towers. My baby wants to eat but I'm so stressed no milk comes. The sirens are going off and I'm in the closet trying to feed my baby and my 3 year old is running around naked because she thinks now is a good time to change her panties and someone is pounding on my door and I'm trying very, very hard not to cry. Surprisingly my Mom and Dad are able to get through to me, but I'm a mess. I reassure my Mom that Samantha was in the safe (she works at a bank) so she should be okay. But what about Carlin? What about Heather? I watch as the tornado makes a slight adjustment to the north and misses Carlin's work and according to the map Heather's house. But I still can't get through to them and now it's hitting more houses. Homes of friends. And schools. Samuel is stuck at school, I can't get to him. And my heart can't take it. The tears start and won't stop.

Hours later Carlin makes it home, Samantha makes it home, we are able to get through to Heather, she's fine and finally Samuel makes it home. I'm still watching the news and even the professional news anchors are struggling to keep it together. The worse part of it? The risk for severe weather won't go away. We have two weeks straight of apprehension, nervousness, dark skies, rain and finally another F5 tornado, the largest ever recorded. That storm dropped smaller tornadoes all over the city, hitting Carlin's work and causing power outages.

The past 11 months we've driven by the tornado path. We've seen the piles of rubble, the clearing away of the debris and the rebuilding of homes and businesses. The post office has been rebuilt, the hospital which was completely demolished is now under construction. And now we are gearing up for another tornado season. And I'm not sure if I will be able to handle it this time. I just have to remember I'm strong, I'm Oklahoma strong.